It’s a mad, mad world

01-09-2010 | Robert Carter

How does one write about what is happening on-farm when most things these days seem so aggravating?

I wrote a note to one of my mates recently. It was an insight into an average day for a sheep and beef farmer, living out in the sticks, minding his own business, trying to maximise his opportunities by using modern communication methods.

Dear Rick: This morning when I got out of bed, the day seemed normal at first. TV One had Paul Henry asking John Key questions about John Banks and some tenuous connection between them and National Party sponsorship of the "super city" mayoral race.

I said to myself, "Who cares?" and turned my attention to Pippa Wetzell for a bit before going to let the fox terriers out of their kennel.

I went back to my tea and toast and started writing a list of "must do-s" for the day, listening patiently to my wife's departure for work - not unlike an Iroquois helicopter winding up.

The trick here is to get a kiss planted on to the cheek of said wife as she leaves without getting smacked by a rotor blade, minced by the tail rotor, or burnt to a cinder by the Toyota exhaust.

Peace returned briefly thereafter until I realised I could hear a cacophony from the dog kennels as huntaway and heading dog gave voice to an even higher sound, that of the two foxies trying to kill the sheep in the orchard. My intervention found them none the worse for wear as they had long wool and the two little shites lacked sufficient weight or teeth of any length to do any real damage.

I then checked my emails. One was from Wool Partners International, telling me what I expected - another dismal return for some good wool. E 2/S 268 greasy 330 clean. 37.5 micron 81.2 yield 0.1vm 64.7y 1.7y-z. Minus all the myriad costs.

I do wonder about the hype we get, even with gullible types like me paying three cents a kilo for the propaganda. Why do I get the feeling that, once again, we are asked to be patient while we slowly go broke.

Another email was from MAF, continuing the usual tripe: "Dear Mr Carter, with respect to your application for registration of carbon accounting area 1490, we need more information before we can determine the eligibility of your application. Please refer to the attached PDF file for information regarding the type, scope and content of the further information required by us (as we hold the whip hand here and seeing you are just a peasant drooling over the thought of some money for nothing, there will be many more such questions until you get so disheartened you may just consider giving up) although on this occasion please be aware that your filing fee of $550 is non-refundable if you do decide to take this option.

"We need further evidence that the land in question is the land in question and you indicated that you have further supporting evidence that the land use prior to 1990 was in fact land that was not in forestry. Please supply that evidence - diary entries, aerial and or satellite imagery that you thoughtfully saved back then (as we know you were a clairvoyant and will have foreseen the ETS).

"Do not under any circumstances find an old 1992 diary, fill it in with some of your mindless gibbering, scan it and send it into us and expect us to believe that the entry is valid with respect to the 1992 plantings you are trying to register.

"We have used our expert GIS team and they have examined infrared satellite imagery from that same period and it shows woody signatures that indicate that you are indeed trying it on with us.

It is difficult for us to determine the original land use and even though you were there at the time and actually planted the trees, we will put you through such a set of hoops you will wish you had just stayed in bed with the cat.

"Do not for a moment think that filling in all the on-line forms was enough, not to mention fencing off and planting the trees. We are subject to audit and therefore will be subjecting your rather insignificant plantings to much scrutiny before you ever get any carbon credits - that will be worth nothing anyway soon, as the third world war will break out over food and water issues.

"(Satellite imagery taken this morning indicates that something resembling a helicopter left your house at 0725 hours flying at low level through fog dodging rocks, so we are watching you, Mr Carter.)"

So, how was your day Rick? I hope this note finds you well and if I seem to be a little distant next time we communicate, it's because I am on the farm today but away from my phone, email, mailbox, cell phone - anything that connects me to the rest of the mad, mad world.

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